President* Bush Denies Federal Aid in Urinal Cake Shortage

Shortage threatens everyone

SACRAMENTO, CA — In the capital building, things are not "all well and good" anymore. Urinals in the restrooms are not quite as comfortable and familiar as they used to be. Gone are the comforting smells and colors of the nations favorite little blue target. The great California Urinal Cake Shortage continues with no relief in sight. Stating that "this is a state issue" President* Bush went on to state that "if other states have enough urinal cakes, then California should deal with the situation on its own! [editors note: Bush asked for the exclamation marks, stating that they made him 'feel like a big man']"

SUCC inspector taking stock of crisis

Drolunder Herbos runs a small restaurant, and has been feeling the pinch ever since the deregulation of the urinal cake industry back in July of 2000. "I can barely keep up with the demand..." when asked about the blatantly missing urinal cakes in his single occupant restroom. Even larger restroom facilities are feeling the crunch. Darrel Hobbert, a janitor at the Staples Center in Los Angeles, sporting over 300 urinals, and six linear miles of urinal troughs, noted that people were actually stealing urinal cakes out of the long trough style urinals. "These small business owners [who can no longer afford to buy them from Swisher, Inc.] just come in, pretend they are going for a wiz [sic] and then fill their pockets with the blue [sometimes pink or red] gold."

"given the choice, I'll just piss outside or in a dark corner, just so that less fortunate people have enough urinal cakes."

Darbool Fulstin, an economist, and part time investment banker predicts that the trends which are making themselves apparent in California, my be an ominous indicator to dire times ahead for the entire nation, and perhaps the world. "Sure it shows up there [in California] first, but that is simply because they are the biggest..." Fulstin said to his good drinking buddy Steve Schlee in a bar last Friday after noting that there was no urinal cake in the dirty urine soaked stall. Fulstin went on to say that "I heard that California, per capita, uses less urinal cakes than any other state, with the exception of Rhode Island..." and continued "if that's true, than surely, once it comes to be realized that the earth is a closed system, with a finite amount of them [urinal cakes], people everywhere will be whizzing into urinal cakeless toilets."

SUCC billboard reminds users to be courteous

Barbara Streisand, spokesperson for They Aren't Just For Urinals Anymore (TAJFUA), a movement dedicated to making urinal cakes for toilets so that women too can share in the glory of the urinal cake phenomena, stated in a heated press conference "this shortage must stop, and it has to stop, and it must stop..." later she went on to point out that "...they [urinal cakes] just smell so good."

"These small business owners just come in, pretend they are going for a wiz [sic] and then fill their pockets with the blue gold."

With the urinal cake shortage in full swing in California, avid frequenters of restrooms are doing all they can to save on urinal cake supplies. Geevens Moryki says that "given the choice, I'll just piss outside or in a dark corner, just so that less fortunate people have enough urinal cakes." Advertisements, funded by the State Urinal Cake Commission (SUCC) run day and night on television and radio, urging people to remove there urinal cakes from the bowl when not in use, so that they don't dissolve as quickly. The ads are also encouraging personalized urinal cakes, that people put into the bowl while urinating, then take with them for their next visit to the men's [or women's] restroom.

"there is nothing more important than what we, as good patriotic Americans pee on..."

In an effort to head the impending crisis, President* Bush has promised to slacked regulations on urinal cake production, including the longtime ban on using babies and ground cheetah in the production process. Bush has also promised to open urinal cake drilling sites in Alaska, stating that "there is nothing more important than what we, as good patriotic Americans pee on..." and finished to applause with "...We will turn every stone, and smash every environmental regulation before we change our wasteful and inefficient ways."

So with urinal cake shortages sweeping up and down the Golden State, don't be too surprised if the next time you stop into a grimy restroom to relieve your bladder, the comforting and familiar site of a Swisher Urinal Cake isn't there to greet you with it's encouraging message of "Say No to Drugs."